The Real Reason I’m Learning to Skate Backwards

My instructor tells me I’m improving, 

which is what Dr. Bailey

told me during our last session,

but she is not teaching me 

to vee my feet or bend my knees.

Wheel to floor,

I push my heels apart, as if in doing so, I could 

undo the changes in my brain at 24.

With every step,

one less leave of absence. With every rotation, 

one less hospitalization.

Forget. I try to forget it all.

But the rink reminds me

of the shape of Fluvoxamine.

And the frenetic lights 

during the glow skate,

recall the flashing lights 

of the ambulance. I bring my toes

together, then apart. 

I start to glide, which I’ve never done 

before. Way to go, 

my instructor shouts, which Dr. Bailey 

told me, too. 

Faster and faster, 

faster and faster

until I slip

and fall