Rainbow Baby

It’s been four months since

and I’ve had another positive test.

I brace myself

but there you are

in a home made just for you,

with a rippling beat inside.

I can’t feel happy.

I brace myself.

What if you don’t make it?

Months pass.

Both bigger,

with one problem after another,

and each time

I brace myself

for if you don’t make it.

But each time,

you do.

I don’t.

I can’t feel happy.

Grief pulls me back,

leaves me with fear.

What if you don’t make it?

It’s been a year since

and you’re coming in a month or so.

You feel real.

I hold you under my skin

and cry with the lily.

There’s still time

for things to go wrong.

I brace myself,

scared of labor

What if you don’t make it

or if I don’t?

When we do make it,

when I feel your ripple next to mine,

when the problems resolve,

when I hold you on top of my skin,

when we cry together,

I’ll finally

stop bracing myself

and let myself be happy.

We will make it.